Now playing: Liz Phair - Explain It To Me

I can’t believe I’m already saying this - but in 1 week I will be returning to work from my maternity leave.

I went into this pregnancy thinking that I would be able to handle the return to work. I had a plan in place. Lily would be staying with my mother in law, who lives very close to my husband’s work and is only a few minutes away from my work. I would be able to go visit her whenever I wanted to and she would bring her to nurse if time allowed. I thought I would be able to somewhat smoothly transition back into work.

Then I laid eyes on her in the operating room on March 5th, and I knew I was in trouble.

The past 3 1/2 months have been the most difficult months of my life. We have struggled intensely with nursing, resulting in numerous late nights and frustrating days where she screamed her head off while I sat in tears, breasts throbbing in pain, no milk flowing through them, while my husband hopelessly tried to keep my spirits intact. Tears flowed as I succumbed to the fact that I may not be able to breastfeed my daughter, watching my beautiful daughter hungrily nurse formula from a bottle as my husband holds her close. I’ve used two different breast pumps and underwent at least 5 sessions with a lactation consultant. We’ve tried herbal drops, herbal pills, and even Lily took reflux medication at one point to attempt to determine if the feeding issues were hers or mine.

I’ve struggled with some pretty intense jealousy issues as well. I’ve dealt with some strong (and admittedly irrational) fears that Lily will become more attached to my mother in law than to me. I’ve cried over the thoughts of missing her first words, her first steps, or hearing her call her “Mommy” instead of me. I go through times where I don’t want her to be over there solely because of these fears, yet I don’t want a stranger to watch her either. It’s absolutely  not meant to be derogatory towards my mother in law, and I fully admit that my feelings are irrational and serve no purpose other than to make this more difficult on me than it already will be - but the thoughts have been there regardless. Thank goodness my husband is very understanding and has not become offended by my ranting and raving.

Things have really been wonderful this past month. Lily has blossomed into a beautiful little girl with such a personality. She has recently found her voice and loves to talk with us. She is full of smiles, coos, and attempts at giggling (which consist of two to three quick snorts). She loves being grabbed and smothered in kisses all over her cheeks. She loves to lay on her back and kick her feet while looking up at the world around her. She also has finally mastered propping herself up while she is on her tummy as well. She desperately wants to talk and crawl. She is very persistent and definitely has an agenda all her own.

The feedings have been going much better as well. My last session with the lactation consultant ended with Lily happily taking in 5 ounces! That is HUGE for us. She did struggle off and on, but to get 5 oz…wow. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I was so happy! There still is no real answer as to why she has her little fits while nursing, but at least I know she’s getting enough milk now. We found an herbal capsule that has just the right mix for me. I am so grateful for our lactation consultant.

I still struggle with the jealousy issue, but at least I am aware of my feelings, I can acknowledge them. I also realize that there is no real “solution”; I just have to learn to accept that I cannot be a stay at home mom at this point in our lives. The only way for me to get past this is just to deal with it as it happens.

She was such a gem on vacation. She was a talkative, bubbly little girl who did so well in the different surroundings. She was so precious, and it made it even more difficult for me when I’d realize that that was one of the last weeks I would be able to dedicate my entire day to her. While the rest of the family was playing games on the Wii or doing other things, I happily cuddled my daughter and watched the activities with her. She was the center of my trip. I had no desire to have a “break” from being her Mommy. I did everything I could and savored each and every second. I eagerly awaited her next feeding, cuddled her while she slept, and repeatedly watched her sleep in her bassinett.

Work is not what it used to be. So many things have changed - things that for my own selfish reasons I didn’t want to change. I was looking forward to returning to my “comfort zone”. Now things changed that I didn’t really want to change, while some things are hopelessly the same. I attended a unit meeting not long ago, and I brought Lily with me. It was surprisingly awkward being in that situation again. Other than seeing Vi, I felt very out of my element. I was tired of hearing the same complaints about the same things that bothered everyone back before I left. I wanted to leave. It made me dread the return to work even more.

I don’t really know how I’m going to make it through the day next Tuesday. I’ve run over things in my mind a hundred times. I’ve tried to find a way to afford to have me stay home. My husband even volunteered to find another job after seeing how I’ve been hurting - but I can’t ask him to do that. He enjoys working where he works. He’s dedicated five years to that job and he’s very secure. I don’t want him to leave.

All in all, Tuesday will be yet another test of my strength.

Now playing: Death Cab for Cutie - A Movie Script Ending

I’ve been looking around at camcorders lately. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not something that we are in dire need of at this time, but it is something I’d like to buy in the future, now that Ms. Lil is here! It’s amazing how tiny they have become since I was a kid. I remember my dad used to have to RENT one (because they cost so much) and it was a huge, bulky piece of equipment in an equally huge and bulky case. Now they are smaller than some digital cameras and easily fit in a purse, and the prices are much more reasonable. It’s amazing how times have changed and how technology has improved while simultaneously downsizing!

Now playing: Death Cab for Cutie - Steadier Footing

It’s amazing how many paid programs and commercials one sees when getting up at all hours of the night to feed a hungry baby. Everything from hair accessories to kitchen appliances to colon cleanse products. It really is quite amusing watching some of the infomercials! Ah, the things I end up doing when half asleep…

Now playing: The Proclaimers - I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)

Being the mother of a 3-month-old, I’ve truly learned to appreciate each and every minute of sleep that I am fortunate enough to get each night. Lily has finally begun “sleeping through the night” in that she typically does not wake up much earlier than 4:30-5:00a.m. to be fed. This has been such a treat for us because for the longest time she was waking up every 3 hours on the dot to be fed. I didn’t so much mind the 3a.m. and later times, but the earlier ones were exceptionally difficult for me to muster up the strength for. I also haven’t been as comfortable in our bed since returning home from the hospital, but we can’t really afford a sleep number bed or some other fancy bed to try to tackle the problem right now. Luckily, since I started going to the gym and getting my energy level back up it hasn’t been too bad.

Now playing: G. Love & Special Sauce - Superhero Brother
via FoxyTunes

It really is amazing just how much something like a pregnancy or childbirth can change how one looks at the world both as a whole and as day-to-day company. Being a new mother has been surprisingly therapeutic - almost cathartic - for me.

Going through something so taxing truly shows you who your REAL friends are. I am amazed at how my close, small circle of friends have again reached out to me these past few months, whether it’s through weekly phone calls, the occasional text message, or the random Facebook/MySpace message reminding me that they care. It has brought me a sense of…well, normalcy that I’ve found extremely comforting. It has reminded me of the joys that I shared before Lily, and I am looking forward to reconnecting with these people.

This experience has also returned a very dear friend to me, and has re-opened communication with another person that was very dear to me. These have been very pleasant surprises!

I am also surprised at my sudden ability to set boundaries where I never have before. Relationships and interactions that have long been unhealthy are no longer acceptable to me, as they not only affect my overall well-being, but that eventually expands to affect my daughter and my family. I want to treasure every moment that I have with Lily, and being stressed out or upset by teenage-style angst and stupid employee politics keeps me from absorbing each and every toothless grin my daughter graces me with each day. It’s just not worth it to allow myself to succumb to trying to take on the counselor role to those that are not willing to accept being counseled. It’s not worth it to allow myself to get stressed about immature behavior from people older than me. They will not change, and I can’t and won’t spend my time dwelling on that which I cannot change. I’ve already spent far too much time wondering why people do what they do, and getting stressed over people that behave (what I consider to be) illogically. It’s not worth it and, in most cases, the relationships are not worth it, either.

I truly have become a different person these past few months. My tolerance for bullshit and drama has lowered, and my priorities have changed. It feels wonderful to finally rid myself of so many of the burdens I’d placed on myself over the years. There are a lot of changes going on behind the scenes that I will have to adapt to in the near future.

Bring it on.